It’s been a tough 13 months since d-day. That is not good – the stress of being lied to and a heart condition? At that time I certainly thought Keith was my dream guy and we would one day get married. One morning last month my son lied about his whereabouts. I have successfully re-empowered myself to stop turning pain inward. There are no … It takes adaptability, intelligence, and awareness, but it does happen—every day. I refuse to think that I am at fault for ANYTHING, at least for now, and I am to be considered a saint, and flawless, if you will, until trust and love are restored. Behind closed doors it was horrible. When my H was silent I knew he was lying to me. Think before you act. ADHD, Personal Hygiene, and the COVID-19 Pandemic. His dad is now recovering from surgery. And how is this all connected to the current crisis? Me his wife. She has to want the relationship to work. Brian and I never intended or intentionally hurt each other, but we did. I don’t think my husband has ever had this moment of revelation, of understanding, of not just the repercussions event, but on the way it has effected everyone else in their world. If they could see what it does to the children? I just replied with the generic “I don’t know”. The cracks in the "starter" marriage simply fail to endure the test of isolation, prolonged anxiety, or simply looking at each other and realizing it doesn't work. Hopefully, collateral damage has been minimal for you. And, whether we like it or not, we never completely escape—even when we want to do so. Many of us have experienced some sort of collateral damage as a result of infidelity. This is a time in which you might have some anger and anger usually goes looking for somewhere to land. Is it their affair partner’s fault? That is all I can say. It is a moving target, but the grandest one that human beings encounter. I’m still looking for the book info. See what is coming up—and confront it constructively. These patterns come to the fore when we regress. It wasn’t in their character to allow me the space to concentrate on working on my relationship, so the friendship had to go. The deficits we individually felt with the assignment of raising Mary created an environment where we placed unrealistic expectations on each other. Awareness can get you to that place of knowing what to do. My CH never conceded what he did to his own daughter. You deserve to have a marriage that doesn’t just survive - it thrives! I ran back home, and my husband was asking questions. Find ways to nurture yourself, like meditation apps, time with friends, healthy walks, good eating, committing to a sleep-wake cycle—that can all reverse the regressive pull of the moment. It is time to adapt: in a way, to grow up. He walks in and the kids do not hide their opinion of him. The effect of an affair and the spider web of collateral damage. Another child struggled with feeling sick all the time and lost weight. I wonder how many people would cheat if they could glimpse the future? My brother passed away suddenly within 8 months since d day. Hopefully, collateral damage … But just before we were about to leave, Keith called me and told me he was breaking up with me. I wish my CH could even acknowledge what he did to the family. Never mind the older two were helping me pick up the slack around the house that his disengagement caused. Have you had any “collateral damage” in your life since the affair? As I said, when relationships break down and fail, debris of heartaches, loss and grief are left behind. I was helpless to stop him and he didn’t care, so I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to get my shit together and forget him. I was furious. I knew I could make him change his mind. Are you slipping into bad habits: alcohol, anger, avoidance, resentment, or something else? But i have to accept she is the way she is. Discussion – Do Cheating Spouses Have Affair Triggers? When I was a sophomore in high school, I had a steady boyfriend named Keith. Don't just wait to feel good. I’ll pass it along as soon as I find it. The OW was childless and even told him she “wasn’t into kids”. She gave them gory details of the affair. I’d get an image of me horribly harming my WS which is the last thing I’d ever do, but there it was, a perfectly clear image of me acting out my anger, pain and rage on him for his betrayal. A few weeks later I caught my son again lying. The other potential collateral damage that CSs never seem worried about is their own demise. So she helped him cultivate an attitude that he was just a pay check to a lazy, ungrateful, pack of parasites. I had little left over for Brian. I hope your kids can recover from this and see you for the saint you are. even if it is fiction. She self-harmed at one point. I’ve often asked the same question, over and over. I’m certain it was planned and very intentional. And he told the OW all about our kids. All the skype calls happened when I drove my son to school. Needless to say I was more than devastated. There are no easy fixes. It went nowhere but we still had to get a lawyer involved. Anger in a marriage and family can create feelings of bitterness, hostility, fear, resentment, … My accident is an example. How would I have time for our other children? Awareness gets us out of ourselves—and gives us a chance to see things as they are. I miss that feeling of trust. Take this time to see how you react, and in what way it mirrors something maladaptive in your family of origin. Every waking moment of my life seemed to entail some thoughts about Keith and our future together. I told my H the same thing. Now forced to live on top of each other, with financial hardships, worries about health, educating and organizing children—just getting groceries can trigger many to regress. Bor. What is he or she feeling—thinking? I am forever changed as a person. I would shudder at my own thoughts, but they came without me even considering such a thing. But the oldest is away at university and I doubt their relationship will ever be what it was. Collateral damage is defined as “any damage … Doesn’t he see the change in their relationships w/ him? It was not a fairytale. Straight spouses are injured by the very anti-gay or anti-trans/pro-straight factors in our society that caused their mates to marry them -- "collateral damage… The fault is our own and we’re responsible. You may also want to take a breath and be there for your partner when he or she seems down or tired—or exasperated with the kids, or worried about what is going on—or simply not being him or herself. But I held my head up and was kind and caring in the face of adversity. PTSD. So there will be fall out. Also my H had an EA 17 years ago in grad school. Put them in your day. Regarding the bedroom. I had to with stand threats she would leave if i made her give up the “friendship”, ask several times for a apology, and then get a half felt one that didn’t even include what steps she was going to take to help herself, constant minimizing and blame shifting. Here we will follow up on Part I in this series—Marriage During Corona—with an eye towards putting forward some ideas that can make a difference. EG. No, they were just friends and co-workers, etc etc. You can also subscribe without commenting. I had run from one sort of monster straight into the lair of another kind of monster due to the irrationality and desperation created by betrayal. For many, this will be a turning point—surviving together—striving together. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. If that is the case, consider yourself lucky! And then things started to change. Erase all memories of the affair. I gave up on him right then and there I think. A few months after my H’s affair ended he lost his job. To this day, my CH doesn’t believe the kids know anything about his PA. She berates herself for not telling sooner. It must be difficult to know that everyone around you knew what was going on and even helped it occur. Boy did that snap him out of it. Well, on my way, through the tears and the screaming and the pounding on the steering wheel, I didn’t see the light change from green to red and I ran right through it. I don’t really know how or why I ended up still being here. Something in me broke and I realized I was really on my own. If we’re depressed that our spouse cheated and we go out and get pulled over for drunk driving, is it our spouse’s fault? I hadn’t moved in that circle of people for so many years that I didn’t know this guy had resorted to using needles (something I’d never done and will never do).

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