“My heart has no room for you, but the trunk of my car definitely does.”, 30. It’s a door. Steve Martin. My cremation is going to be epic!”, 11. “I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning” because if it were a good morning I’d still be in bed asleep”, 31. The road to success is always under construction. – A. I am a Democrat. These 101 funny quotes from comedians, movies, authors, and TV look at the hilarious side of life. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”. – Abraham Lincoln. Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. “You know you’re an adult when you get excited to just go home.”, 9. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Explore 1000 Funny Quotes by authors including Will Rogers, Groucho Marx, and Steven Wright at BrainyQuote. “The most dangerous phrase in any language is “We’ve always done it this way.”, 4. Awesome Short Funny Quotes About Life to Make You Laugh “I don’t broadcast every high & I don’t hide every low. It is already tomorrow in Australia. Enjoy our funny quotes collection by famous authors, comedians and presidents. “The mind replays what the heart can’t delete.”. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. I am not a member of … Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Need I say more?”, “Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. —Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Other days I look for my phone while I’m talking on it.”, 28. When he gets there, the devil is standing in front of 3 doors. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. When you’ve completely satisfied her, you can leave.” The guy figures it’s worth a shot, so he goes in”, 16. It’s kind of a shock. “If you’re absent during my struggle, don’t expect to be present during my success.”, 29. The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. That’s how they work.”, 15. grizzly bear with a sore tooth. “I’m not rude I just have the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.”. Best funny quotes selected by thousands of our users! Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?”, “Damn, Claire. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”, 34. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. “Behind this first door is a 1-gallon jug of Jack Daniel’s. Unless you're a serial killer.”, “It's not true that I had nothing on. Stay up and fight.”, “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”, “Accept who you are. You have to drain it in one drink. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. “Behind the second door is a 600 lb. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "Biography/ Personal Quotes". “Sometimes Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m in preschool or high school. Part 4. “My parents spanked me as a child as a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as “Respect for others”, 14. Enjoy these funny quotes, a laugh and share with a friend. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. 1000 Funny Quotes to Explore and Share - Inspirational Quotes at BrainyQuote. “Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins”, 25. I’m trying to live. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? www.imdb.com. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”, “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”, “The planet is fine. “Three doors in hell a guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. I’m gonna give you a chance to get out of hell. “I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.”, 33. Bill Murray. Abraham Lincoln (1982). 3. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two. You will never get out of it alive. Go to table of contents. I’m not trying to convince the world I have a life.”, Our collection of funny quotes which are short, easy to remember but still hilarious “All my life I tho air was free until I bough bag of chips.”, 1. Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends, Dale Carnegie (2010). “Why be moody when you can shake yo booty”, 6. 1. Funny Tree Quotes Stupid Quotes Top 100. “Abraham Lincoln, wisdom & wit”, Peter Pauper Pr, There is a mistake in the text of this quote. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep.”, “If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”, “I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. Top 10 Funny Quotes - BrainyQuote. “I don’t understand why people have to “get ready” for bed. 9. 2. Funny Quotes. I am not a member of any organized political party. Not only does laughter reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins. “Please cancel my subscription to your issues.”, 12. "Biography/Personal Quotes". When a fan asked Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart for tips on writing symphonies, the composer is said to have suggested, “Begin with some simple lieder and … www.imdb.com. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”, “That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”, “Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”, “I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me. BrainyQuote has been providing inspirational quotes since 2001 to our worldwide community. Tiny Positive – Daily Inspirational Words, 40 Best Funny Quotes about Friends | BFF Quotes, Images, 35 Short Funny Quotes About Life to Make You Laugh, 120 Birthday Wishes for Wife – Birthday Quotes and Messages, 56 Good Motivational Quotes To Inspire You Today, 57 Short Motivational Quotes to Inspire You to Be Successful, 40 Super Motivational Quotes That Will Change Your Life, 42 Happy Life Quotes – Quotes To Make You Happy, 38 Emotional Quotes To Live By To Be Double Your Happiness, 40 Daily Motivational Quotes on Life to Success, 38 Great Inspirational Quotes and Motivational Quotes, 42 Forgive Yourself Quotes | Self Forgiveness Quotes images, 50 Best Love Good Morning Quotes Messages – Morning Wishes, 35 Best Favorite Relationship Quotes for Him images, 35 Sad Quotes About Pain Images and Sayings, 60 Sort Inspirational Bible Quotes – Encouraging Bible Verses. Groucho Marx. The best advice I've ever received is, 'No one else knows what they're doing either. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Required fields are marked *. Quotes tagged as "funny" Showing 1-30 of 8,150. ", “If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”, “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Funny Quotes Our collection of hilarious quotes will have everyone laughing. He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! Anonymous. I’m always ready for bed.”, 35. Top 10 Funny Quotes - with quotes by Will Rogers, Steven Wright, Groucho Marx, Elbert Hubbard and more Your email address will not be published. I love being married. “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”, p.372, Simon and Schuster. I had the radio on.”, “Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”, “They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.”, “Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”, “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”, “It's not because I want to make out with her. "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." ", “Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.”, “A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”, “Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. Perfect for sharing, blogging and tweeting. "Carlin on Campus". I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane”, Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words Which Have Won Thousands for Christ, When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It! Do not take life too seriously. 56 Short Inspirational Quotes And Short Inspirational Sayings, 144 Happy Birthday Wishes And Happy Birthday Funny Sayings, 38 Cute Life Quotes That Will Instantly Make You Smile, 38 Short Positive Quotes – Motivational Quotes of the Day, 56 Good Morning Inspirational Quotes With Beautiful Images, 44 Motivational Inspirational Quotes About Life & Success, 35 Good Morning Quotes with Beautiful Images, Copyright © 2018 Image May Be Subject to Copyright to Respectful Owners. “If my mouth doesn’t say it, my face definitely will.”, 32. Bill Murray. A. Milne. Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. With so much humor in the world, we’ve collected some hilarious life quotes from a wide range of funny quotes. “Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. Just a moment while we sign you in to your Goodreads account.

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